Polarized: Toxic Masculinity
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uring this last presidential cycle, many Trump rally-goers who once wore T-shirts calling to “Make America Great Again” traded them in for new ones that said, “F**k Your Feelings.” They could not possibly care less about the wimpy liberals. From a deeper and more troubling place came this new attack on anyone who dared to show “weakness.” The new message was aggressive, dismissive and purposeful: “own the libs.”
The people in those shirts think they “know” how liberals are—soft, scared and self-absorbed. Those liberals haven’t got a clue how the real world works—no idea what a true patriot looks like.
And the FYF crowd doesn’t care what you think about them. You can call them close-minded, but remember—they’re also open-carry.
Back against the wall, pansies.
n the 1980’s, sociologists coined the phrase “toxic masculinity.” Since then, it’s become a topic of academic debate. But most agree with a psychologist writing in Scientific American who identified several characteristics that mark toxic males: never lose; don’t depend on anyone; don’t do anything that could be considered weak; and never show emotion other than bravado or rage.
Yeah. I know who you’re thinking about. He’s not the point anymore. But he did instruct his cult followers to demonstrate manly dominance when they stormed the U.S. Capitol. Their overt racism will still courses through their veins long after Trump leaves town. Little will change. Fox Sports will continue feeding them UFC, WWE, bloody prizefights and NASCAR. In the process, these “toxics” will remain a primary reason for our national polarization.
ll right, can anything be done about them? If so, how? Could you possibly take these buffoons and make them understand?
Before diving into that argument, let’s define some foundations:
“Toxic masculinity” is not the same thing as masculinity. There are several traditional traits associated with “manhood” that psychologists say are normal and even helpful. They include working hard, protecting and providing for family, and even driving to win at sports or other competitions.
The feminism movement has long been associated with identifying and calling out toxic masculinity. But not every woman is a feminist. Many prefer to live with toxic men, and some not only accept toxic male traits in their homes, but actually mimic them. (I am not equipped to suggest why.)
In our white-hot political environment, actions by the “toxics” long ago moved from preposterous to dangerous. Long before the Capitol fiasco, demonstrators surrounded the home of a local election official they deemed corrupt, and yelled profanities at her as she decorated the front door of home for Christmas—alongside her six-year-old son. (So brave.) In Georgia, they demanded resignations from the Governor and Secretary of State, along with threatening their lives—even those elected officials belonged to the “same” political party. (Truly heroic). And nothing in everyday life reveals them more than the outraged refusals to wear a mask to help humanity fight COVID-19. (They are individualists—no one is going to tell them what to do!)
In every case, what’s lost in the mayhem is any thought on how their actions might affect other people.
The absence of the empathy gene is perfectly aligned with their dear leader, Osama bin Fatso.
In the past, terms like “too much testosterone” or “boys will be boys” were used to shrug off such destructive behaviors. The truth is not that simple. One psychologist identifies the cause of this aberration as a mix of, “…class, race, culture, ( including religion), sexuality and other factors, often in competition with one another.” In other words, it’s a tangled knot, not easy to unravel.
But maybe at the core of both the cause and a solution is something clearer--modeling.
n the 1950’s, the unquestioned American role models for masculinity were movie stars John Wayne and Rock Hudson. On screen, the former was the epitome of strength, heroism and individuality. The latter was perfectly irresistible to all women. It turned out Wayne used every leverage to avoid enlisting and fighting in World War II. And Hudson was gay.
In real life, even ideal models didn’t live up to their roles.
Today’s self-styled toxic heroes face the same impossible challenge. Attempts to be “tough” often create negative impact. Trying to exert control often morphs into violence inflicted on others. But the damage travels in both directions. Toxics suffer disproportionately from stress, depression and substance abuse. Toxic masculinity is a bomb, not a bullet. When it goes off, everyone bleeds.
hort of strong drugs or electroshock therapy, no one can fully deprogram a toxic male. There’s no way to fully wipe clean that corrupted hard drive.
So instead of starting over, maybe the idea is expand one’s world view, rather than subtracting from what already exists. And maybe we shouldn’t abolish the idea of a role model altogether—just substitute a different one. That would be a man who treats his partner as his equal. A leader in the workplace who fully weighs the ideas of a woman as if they came from a man. A guy at home who takes a concerted role in the “women’s work” of raising the kids. Someone who welcomes and shares his emotions. A guy who dares to depend on others…and who cooperates. And overall, someone with the strength to be kind.
You may say this is another impossible dream, and I hear you. After all, there have always been some “good” men like that. But they’re not the ones who rise to the level of role model, are they? Because the positive attributes we identify here seem to be disqualifying. If you’re not a “real man”, you don’t get to the top. In the role model sweepstakes, nice guys finish last.
To which I respond with just two simple words: Barack Obama. He was strong and manly in every way that his successor is not. Many called Obama a role model for black men. That’s selling him short. He is a role model for all men.
As I stated above, toxic masculinity is not the same thing as masculinity. “Real men” don’t just live onscreen, or in championship games. They’re all around us, doing the right things and making the world better.
Let’s take our little boys and point at them. Make them the role models, the heroes. Because they’re the heroes we need.
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