Goodnight, Jared
/
ared was always a good boy. Everybody said so. And he knew he’d always be a rich boy, because Daddy was rich, and Daddy promised him he’d be rich someday, too.
Jared was always calm and suave and devout. Daddy taught him to be like that.
And even though Jared wasn’t quite smart enough to get into Harvard…Daddy wrote a check, and Jared went to Harvard. He also wasn’t quite smart enough to get into law school at NYU, where Daddy went. But Daddy opened his wallet again, and a door opened there, too.
Jared thought he wanted to be a lawyer. But while studying the law, some very mean people sent his Daddy to prison for things called tax fraud, witness tampering and illegal campaign contributions. So unfair! And therefore, Daddy couldn’t be president of his own company anymore, so Jared had to do it. (Actually, that was okay, since all this nonsense made him decide he didn’t want to be a lawyer anyway.)
Jared visited Daddy every week in prison, where he learned how to do real estate. And real life. Then, Daddy got out, but a very mean man entered their lives. He was a prosecutor named Chris Christie, and he wanted to know more about Daddy’s campaign contributions. Daddy believed that his own sister—Jared’s Aunt Esther—was helping that mean Mr. Christie. So Daddy decided he would put an end to that. He hired a prostitute to lure Esther’s husband into a very bad kind of meeting, and then used a videotape to blackmail Aunt Esther. It didn’t work. Daddy plead guilty to another felony. Some people cannot catch a break.
Jared vowed that this would not stop him—or his company. And he proved it. He purchased a big, fancy building on Fifth Avenue in New York for more money than anyone had ever paid for a building in the city before--so amazing! And since almost all the money was borrowed from other people, it didn’t really cost that much.
hen, real estate crashed. Hard. Mean bankers asked Jared how he’d pay the mortgage on that big, fancy building. So he found someone to bail him out with a ten-year sub-mortgage. Which was cool. After all, in ten years, anything could happen. No worries.
And the first ‘anything’ was an absolute fairy tale. Jared, the son of a very rich and powerful New York real estate man met the daughter of another very rich and powerful New York real estate man…they fell in love, and got married. It was so romantic! Jared also realized that no matter what people did to his own father, his wife’s—the billionaire--would always be there to bail him out. It’s so smart to connect with the right people.
Jared is no fool. He has a Harvard degree. He learned how to tell time…and so he also knows when time is running out. And it is. Ten years goes by so fast! If the mean bankers took back his biggest, fanciest building—well, disaster. Jared--and his Daddy--needed a lot of money. (At this writing, they still do.) Tick tock.
Well, maybe this could just be kept in the family. But it turned out that his wife’s Daddy had gone bankrupt so many times that all the other mean bankers wouldn’t lend to him anymore, either. Gosh! So like a fast food worker laid low by an auto repair bill, Jared took Daddy out looking for fast cash.
And then Jared’s father-in-law pretended he wanted to be President.
s a Harvard grad, Jared knows opportunity when he sees it. And the prospect of having your father-in-law in the White House gives you entrée. Making the right marriage is so important!
The Kushners went first to a Chinese company with close ties to that Communist government. And bingo! They agreed not only to save the fancy building (and thus the entire business), but also let the family walk away with a $400 million profit. High finance is so fun!
Then some dastardly reporters got wind of it…other backers backed away…and the whole deal dissolved. Jared hates reporters.
Well, fine, you know who else has a lot of money? Those Russian oligarchs loyal to Vladimir Putin. But those Russians couldn’t make use of a lot of their wealth, because of the stupid economic sanctions applied by Evil Barack. What a tool.
What happened next is a matter of conjecture—so far. It is certainly a matter of interest to Robert Mueller. And it’s been the topic of outstanding reporting by people like Nick Harding, Jane Mayer, Clayton Swisher, Ryan Grim, Jed Shugerman, David Corn, Michael Isikoff, the New York Times, the Washington Post, NBC and others.
Jared’s problem was that he couldn’t go directly to the Russians. Too many snoops. Too much transparency! Anything there had to be done with extreme caution. So during the transition, he met with Soviet ambassador Sergey Kislyak and shockingly suggested he might use Russia’s own private technology as a discreet ‘back channel’ to talk directly with Moscow. No snoopy U.S. intelligence agencies need know about it. Sound good? The Russians blanched, suddenly remembered they had another obligation…and quickly left.
OK then, new thought: you know who else has a lot of money? Those Arab oil guys. Jared and his Daddy had earlier talked to some of them, including bigwigs in Qatar. (After all, the Qataris are rich, and they’re our friends. Our biggest military base in the Middle East—the one we used to stage raids on Iraq and Syria and Afghanistan—was built by the Qataris for us right in their little country.) But the Qataris said, “sorry, no loan”. Sad!
But once Jared became an official counselor to the President of the United States, the wigs got bigger. Jared’s Daddy met in New York with Qatar’s minister of finance. Major dude! Game on.
he alleged play here was positively win-win-win. Qatar, through its sovereign investment fund, buys about 20% of one of Russia’s most lucrative energy concerns. Russia gets a lot of much-needed negotiable currency. And maybe along the way, as a favor for helping broker this deal, the Kushners get a loan from Qatar. Or the Russians. Either way.
“Sure,” said the Soviets, “but there’s just one more little thing.” Jared needs to have his wife’s Daddy drop those evil sanctions. And prevent any new ones. Then, easy--Jared gets his money. Global finance is so thrilling!
(In fact, Jared apparently did not invent this plan. Mueller has evidence that during the presidential campaign, a weird little man named Carter Page had been trying to arrange the same Qatar-Russia deal in return for sanction elimination. The Kushners joined in to raise a little cash.)
In any case, a Qatari/Russia deal did go thorough.
But the loan to the Kushners did not. Unacceptable!
Jared was not happy.
mong his other very important duties, Jared was in charge of making peace in the Middle East. His father-in-law once told him in public, “if you can’t produce peace (there), no one can.” That was nice.
But after the Qataris said no to the loan, they suddenly had a big problem on their hands. An economic and diplomatic boycott was announced against them, our biggest regional ally, by a group of Arab nations—with the full backing of Middle East expert Jared. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said this was a stupid idea. Jared told him to shut up. (Not in those exact words, of course—a good boy doesn’t use that kind of language). And Jared’s father-in-law helpfully weighed in: “We have to stop the funding of terrorism. The nation of Qatar, unfortunately, has historically been a funder of terrorism at a very high level.” I guess in their off hours while they were spending a billion plus to build our air base.
And you’ll never guess what happened next. Cringing under the boycott, the Qataris suddenly decided they would make a loan to the Kushners! Sometimes you just have to get lucky.
And by the start of this year the White House had changed its tune. An official statement quoted the President as praising Qatar for their actions, “…to counter terrorism and extremism in all forms.” Big men don’t mind admitting when they’ve made a mistake.
It’s important to note that nothing in this plot has been proven, or even officially charged--yet. But factually, it should also be pointed out that the Qataris did purchase a big share of that Russian energy giant; a lot of money got into Russian hands; and our President announced he was dropping sanctions against the Soviet Union. This despite the fact that, in an extremely rare showing of bipartisanship, Congress had decided overwhelmingly that we needed more sanctions against the Soviets—not none.
So the Kushners got a loan that at least helped their financial crisis…even if it didn’t come close to solving it.
Tick tock.
ometimes even good boys have to do bad things. Understand, what happens really isn’t their fault. After all, there are families and fortunes to build…and protect. Jealous people are always out to get you.
Inside the White House, behind his back, Jared is known as ‘the prince’. Maybe Jared thinks this is a compliment. In any case, the nickname does acknowledge that his wife’s Daddy will always be there to bail him out.
Alas, in the end, the only help he may be able to provide is a presidential pardon. Which isn’t nothing.
But by that time, the reign of Jared the Prince will be over.
Goodnight, Jared.
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(Update, 4/20:
More than a year after this article first published, a Canadian property management firm bailed out Jared, reportedly paying just over $1b for a 99 year lease to rent out all of the office space for the next 99 years. Since Jared originally paid $1.8b for the property he took a bath; but at least it prevented his family business from going under.
The Canadian company, Brookfield, claimed it was a very good investment; and it may prove to be.
But it turns out Jared’s old friends in Qatar hold a sizable investment in Brookfield. The Qataris claim they had no knowledge of this deal beforehand, and anyway, none of their money was used.
You can draw your own conclusions.
At the time of the sale, Jared’s big building had a 30% vacancy rate.)
